My (Deluge) of Thoughts About Zack Snyder's Cut of "Justice League."

It could be said that in the entirety of corporate whimsy and fun, no one is more schizophrenic than D.C. Comics. First they released Zack Snyder’s (brilliant and very daring) take on Superman, Man of Steel. Then they followed that up with an equally wonderful Wonder Woman. Then things went south quicker than you can say, “I can wrestle a pig.” Zack’s next installment in the DCEU, Batman v. Superman, hit a sour note with audiences, who after all, were probably a bit dazed and confused as to why two of their most outrageously popular (and incredibly noble) superheroes were suddenly slugging it out onscreen. (Marvel’s Civil War does this too, but it takes a far different approach). Later on, D.C. would release Suicide Squad, a film so horrible even its fans cringe when they mention it, and then later on still, THE Suicide Squad, one of the best films of director James Gunn’s entire career as a filmmaker. Lost in between these cracks was a film double-helmed, by Zack Snyder and Joss Whedon (of all people), and called Justice League.

Many people don’t know this, but during the filming and editing of Justice League, Zack Snyder’s daughter Autumn committed suicide. It was a tragic occurrence; I myself am familiar with the grief that the suicide of a loved one can inflict. It must have been crushing for Snyder — not only as a father, but as a filmmaker too, for he soon had to leave the Justice League set and head for home, to be with his family when they needed him most. Meanwhile, Joss Whedon was left alone to do whatever the f— he wanted to with Zack Snyder’s film. Which included cutting almost two hours off the run-time (as the studio had urged Zack to do, but Zack had not budged on the length. The film was to be four hours long; just deal with it, men in suits). In doing so, Whedon butchered the film. He eliminated whole characters and their arcs; disemboweled the arcs of other characters; and eliminated two or three complete subplots from the film. The result, with moviegoers as witnesses, was a choppy, disjointed film of uneven tone.

I hate to say this, but this may be some of my personal anger at Whedon coming through when I make these comments. Once the revelations of what had gone on with his wife and on the set of Buffy all hit the newsstands, I was just as aghast as any feminist who had written her thesis on Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. Not to mention the legions of broken-hearted Browncoats who had looked up to Whedon as a creator. But regardless of my personal feelings on him, I don’t think it’s unfair to say that Whedon ruined the film Justice League, depriving us of what could have been not only D.C.’s flagship series, but what could have been a monumental turning point in comic book cinema: No one ever before — no one but Zack Snyder — would attempt a four hour long comic book film with no less than eleven or — or more, I may be miscounting — main characters. Truly, if you haven’t seen it, you owe it to yourself to watch Zack Snyder’s Justice League, released earlier this year on HBOMAX, and then later on iTunes and other streaming services. One has to simply stand in awe of what Snyder accomplished with this film. It was the first superhero film in a long while that I felt was truly “heroic.” And yes I’m also counting Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame. (Well, except for maybe the last 45 minutes of Endgame. That is the very definition of epic!)

This film is superior to both Man of Steel and Batman v. Superman in the following ways: (1) Every character seen on screen gets at least a small, if not large, character arc and three-dimensional personality to them. (2) There are no civilians, at any time, who are placed in danger by the actions of the Justice League. (3) The performances by the characters — each of whom gets their time in the spotlight — are excellent; there are no missing pieces here. (5) The members of the Justice League, for the most part, get along pretty well together. (6) The film has a lot of humorous moments in it, unlike its two predecessors. By Job, I think Snyder has figured out how to put actual humor into his films without detracting from the narrative. (8) This film has a sensational, epic, sweeping storyline that follows all the characters from their introduction to their last moments on screen. And, moreover, the special effects and CGI only work to serve the story, not overwhelm it. There is no mass destruction here that puts civilians in a buttload of danger, and the League are shown—on several occasions—as actually saving lives, and actually being heroes. And what’s more, they are the same heroes that we’ve all come to love and adore off-screen as well, including Superman. When he is first (SPOILER) revived from the grave — due to some great storytelling that explains the story’s MacGuffins and builds on that explanation — he is angry and fights the entire Justice League practically with one hand behind his back. But given time — and the intervention of. Lois Lane — he is able to see clearly, knows what he has to do, and like any good hero, he steps up to the plate and does his job of saving the world. There is no misguided misanthropy in this film — none. And it doesn’t take forever — even though it is 4 hours long! — to get the characters in position and on point. It is truly the greatest film that D.C. Comics has released. And yes that incluides the original Richard Donner films, too. Because it doesn’t ignore them — instead it builds on their sense of joy and fun. And as usual, Ben Affleck makes a terrific Batman, Gal Godot is a delight as Wonder Woman; the Flash has to be seen to be believed, but trust me, he’s great. And lastly, there is a moment in the film where in order to save the day — get this — the Flash has to run faster than light to turn back time. Richard Donner tribute, anyone? No one can say that the film is not good natured and fun, and no one can say thay it doesn't lovingly embrace the past versions of its characters. No one. This is a film made purely by, and for, fans.

The visuals are spectacular, as one could expect from a Zack Snyder film: All his usual visual flair and effects indulgences are there . . . super-slow-motion shots, lots of memorable visual moments, and some incredible — downright breathtaking — action sequences. One can only imagine the incredible scale of computer-generated imagery, animation, green-screening, color-grading, and other digital effects work that went into the film. The costumes are flabbergasting in their loving attention to detail, and are as unique as the characters who wear them. Barry Allen as The Flash and Jason Mamoa as Aquaman are standouts, but it would be unfair to say that Wonder Woman was shortchanged (as she was in the horrible Whedon version of the film), or that Batman is any less perfectly dark, gritty, and driven, and no one can say that of all the characters in the film, the one who didn’t walk away with our collective hearts was the one — the only — Superman. Looking broadly at the scope of Snyder’s all-encompassing vision for the Justice League (it would have taken three of these four hour films to tell the entire story!), it becomes crystal clear why Batman v. Superman — though it left a sour taste in some fans’ mouths at the time — unfolds the way that it does, why one event — and one happenstance — leads to another, how one plot point is inextricably wound to the next one. One could almost view Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman, and Justice League as one big eight hour film, covering the rise — and presumably, the coming fall — of Superman (and his redemption at the hands of Batman, we could hope). For a film entitled Justice League it certainly does in fact do more than justice for its cast; it elevates these characters to new heights of iconic stature, to new realms of the mythic and powerful, and to wholly new heights of cinematic superhero shenanigans. No one who has seen Zack Snyder’s Justice League — at least, no one I can imagine — has not walked away impressed . . . by either the spectacular visual effects or the actors and how committed they are to their characters.

The one thing I’ve always loved about Zack Snyder as a filmmaker, is that he approaches the artform at the face-value of its subject material. When doing superheroes especially, Snyder is in top form, because he asks the simplest of questions that no one else ever, seemingly, thinks to ask, and that is, “Okay, what if this were for real? What would really happen when—” (for example) “three super-powered aliens show up in orbit demanding that Earth hand over one of their own refugees . . . who has stayed hidden because he fears what the world might — or might not — think about him.” Furthermore (Snyder might ask), “What happens if we unleash them — and at the same time, the full might of the U.S. Military — on small-town America?” Chaos, that’s what. The results aren’t always pretty or what we want them to be. Cue the legions of people mourning the unseen casualities in Man of Steel. No, but instead, Zack Snyder gives us what we came here for: Superhero action, and action with — for the first time in Zack’s career — real heart behind it. For better or for worse, this is a semi-realistic take on this science fiction scenario but it includes plenty of whimsical, fun, straight-up fantasy as well. And most of all, the endearing thing about it is, that Snyder comes at it with no irony or snark or commentary. He simply lays out the building blocks, shows you the choreography of them, and then sits back and watches your reaction. Love him or hate him, Justice League is the hill Snyder has chosen to die on. And I think he picked a good one.

In the vast and ever-evolving landscape of superhero films, few have sparked as much conversation and anticipation as "Zack Snyder's Justice League." Released in 2021 on HBO Max, this four-hour epic is not merely a director's cut but a reimagined masterpiece that elevates the genre to new heights. It is a film that combines artistic vision, deep character exploration, and mythological grandeur to deliver an experience that is both emotionally resonant and visually stunning. This article explores why "Zack Snyder's Justice League" is arguably the best superhero film of all time.

"Zack Snyder's Justice League" stands as a testament to the power of unbridled artistic expression. After stepping away from the original 2017 release due to personal tragedy, Zack Snyder's vision was compromised by studio interference and a rushed production that led to a disjointed theatrical cut. The 2021 release restores Snyder's original intent, presenting a cohesive and immersive narrative that honors the source material.

Snyder's meticulous attention to detail is evident throughout the film. His use of the 4:3 aspect ratio pays homage to IMAX presentations, providing a more expansive view of the action. The film's pacing allows for a deliberate unfolding of the story, giving characters room to breathe and audiences time to absorb the rich mythos. This commitment to his vision demonstrates the importance of creative integrity in filmmaking.

One of the film's most significant achievements is its profound character development. Unlike many superhero movies that focus predominantly on action, "Zack Snyder's Justice League" delves into the personal journeys of its heroes, offering a nuanced exploration of their motivations and struggles.

At the heart of the narrative is Victor Stone, also known as Cyborg. Snyder elevates Cyborg from a peripheral character to the emotional core of the film. Victor's struggle with his identity, his fractured relationship with his father, and his journey towards self-acceptance are portrayed with sensitivity and depth. His arc resonates with themes of loss, isolation, and the quest for purpose, making him a relatable and compelling figure.

Barry Allen's portrayal transcends the comic relief often associated with his character. The film explores his aspirations, insecurities, and his relationship with his incarcerated father. Barry's pivotal role in the climactic sequence, where he manipulates time to save the world, showcases his growth from an unsure young man to a hero embracing his potential.

Arthur Curry grapples with his Atlantean heritage and responsibilities, adding layers to his character beyond the stoic warrior. Diana Prince embodies wisdom and compassion, acting as a bridge between the team members. Her leadership and understanding of ancient threats provide critical support to the group's mission.

Bruce Wayne's transformation from a jaded vigilante to a leader driven by faith and hope is a cornerstone of the film. Haunted by past failures, Bruce seeks redemption by uniting the heroes to confront an existential threat. His interactions with other characters reveal a man striving to rebuild trust and believe in the goodness of humanity.

Snyder infuses the film with mythological grandeur, elevating it beyond a conventional superhero narrative. The story draws parallels with ancient epics, incorporating themes of resurrection, sacrifice, and destiny. The introduction of Darkseid as the ultimate antagonist adds a layer of cosmic significance, positioning the Justice League's struggle within a broader universal context.

The rich backstory involving the Old Gods, the Atlanteans, Amazonians, and humans uniting against a common enemy creates a tapestry of lore that enhances the film's depth. This myth-building is reminiscent of works like "The Lord of the Rings," where the history and stakes are vast and impactful.

Visually, "Zack Snyder's Justice League" is a tour de force. Snyder's signature style—characterized by dynamic compositions, slow-motion sequences, and a muted color palette—creates a distinctive and immersive aesthetic. The visual effects are meticulously crafted, seamlessly integrating CGI with live-action to produce breathtaking action sequences.

Each scene is composed with an artist's eye, from the grandeur of Themyscira and the underwater realms of Atlantis to the desolate landscapes of the post-apocalyptic Knightmare future. The film's cinematography enhances the emotional weight of the narrative, using visual symbolism to reinforce themes and character arcs

Composer Tom Holkenborg (Junkie XL) delivers a powerful and evocative score that complements the film's epic scope. The music enhances the emotional resonance of key moments, such as Superman's resurrection and the Flash's time-bending heroics. The use of leitmotifs for different characters adds depth, reinforcing their identities and journeys.

The theatrical release of "Justice League" was criticized for its inconsistent tone and fragmented storytelling. Snyder's version restores the narrative cohesion, providing context and continuity that were previously lacking. Subplots that were truncated or omitted are now fully realized, giving audiences a comprehensive understanding of the characters' motivations and the stakes involved.

The expanded runtime allows for the exploration of complex themes, such as the consequences of power, the burden of legacy, and the importance of unity in the face of insurmountable odds. The film's structure, divided into chapters, lends a literary quality to the storytelling, enhancing its epic nature.

"Zack Snyder's Justice League" is not merely a spectacle of action and special effects; it is a film with substantial emotional depth. The characters' personal struggles mirror universal human experiences—grief, isolation, redemption, and the search for meaning. These themes are woven organically into the narrative, allowing audiences to connect with the heroes on a profound level.

The film also engages with philosophical questions about destiny, free will, and the nature of heroism. It challenges the notion of infallible heroes, presenting flawed individuals who must overcome personal demons to serve a greater good. This complexity adds layers to the story, elevating it above the simplicity often found in the genre.

The journey to the release of "Zack Snyder's Justice League" is a unique cultural phenomenon. The relentless advocacy of fans through the #ReleaseTheSnyderCut movement exemplifies the power of audience engagement in the modern era. This unprecedented campaign resulted in the realization of a filmmaker's vision that might otherwise have remained unseen.

The film's release has sparked discussions about creative control, the relationship between studios and directors, and the influence of fan communities. It stands as a milestone in cinematic history, demonstrating that audience voices can effect meaningful change.

While many superhero films offer entertainment and excitement, "Zack Snyder's Justice League" distinguishes itself through its ambition and execution. Its willingness to embrace a darker, more mature tone sets it apart from the formulaic approaches often seen in the genre. The film's depth of character development and thematic richness rival those of acclaimed dramas, transcending typical superhero fare.

Moreover, the film's epic scale and mythological elements create a sense of grandeur rarely achieved in cinema. It successfully balances individual character arcs with a sweeping narrative, something that few ensemble films manage to accomplish.

"Zack Snyder's Justice League" is a monumental achievement that redefines what a superhero film can be. It combines artistic vision, profound storytelling, and technical excellence to deliver an experience that is both emotionally impactful and intellectually stimulating. The film honors its characters and source material, offering a narrative that is grand in scope yet intimate in its exploration of the human condition.

By restoring Zack Snyder's original vision, the film not only rectifies the shortcomings of its predecessor but sets a new benchmark for the genre. It demonstrates that superhero films can be artful, thought-provoking, and deeply moving. For these reasons, "Zack Snyder's Justice League" stands as arguably the best superhero film of all time—a testament to the power of storytelling and the enduring appeal of heroes who reflect our highest aspirations and deepest fears.

Why Studio One Pro

Of all the Digital Audio Workstations that are out there — Cubase, Logic, etc. — I love Logic Pro the most; it’s powerful, flexible, and extremely easy to use. But since I’ve migrated my music production over to my PC, I’ve discovered a NEW piece of software, called Studio One Professional. It’s also very powerful — though you wouldn’t know it when you first boot it up. And it has some REALLY neat features that even Logic has. For instance: The Chord Track. It enables you to enharmonic composing. In other words — change the chords, and the MIDI key changes appropriately. Or, even the pitch or time stretch (yes, they’re separate things!) changes. It has plentiful features that a lot of your high-end DAW (Digital Audio Workstation), do not have. The ability for instance to assign a MIDI track to play back on multiple instruments at once, and to embed plugins within an instrument. The ability to not distinguish between MIDI file types, audio files, etcetera. It also has the ability to directly freeze MIDI tracks to audio, and then reconvert the audio tracks into MIDI tracks! It’s an amazing little package, and it costs less than many of the more advanced DAWS in its category. I’ve found Cubase to be cumbersome; Digital Performer to be just flat-out confusing; but Studio One Professional is simple, quick, and to the point. And oh yeah—did I mention that the whole program is powered by drag and drop? That’s right; you hardly ever have to do anything with a key combination or some special trick (although you can do shortcut keys — which you can customize — or even macros! Haven’t figured all that out yet. You can drag instruments onto tracks, drag around notes in the Score View (for which it uses Presonus’ own Notation program, Notion), and it lets you assign and outside Wave Editor, like Adobe Audition. It really is a fantastic little program. Here, check it out for yourself over at PreSonus. You won’t be disappointed!

Sometimes, I Like to Sit And Imagine...

That Abraham Van Helsing (from Francis Ford Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula) is the older, crochety slightly-more-high-on-meth “Garbiel” Van Helsing (whom we meet in Stephen Sommers’ Van Helsing movie, which I personally enjoy, and don’t see why people hate it so much.) Then, I further like to pretend that at the same time in “history,” Mina Harker is making love to and being made a Vampire by Vlad Dracula (like in the Francis Ford Coppola movie), while over in the United States, a young Abraham Lincoln is inventing a shotgun-containing axe, whose only purpose will be to hunt the evil Vampires of the South, and eventually defeat them with silver bullets mined from the War Effort of the Yankees. Even further than that, I like to dream that at the very same time in fictional history, or shortly thereafter, I guess, Mina Harker joins up with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, of whom the Invisible Man, Dorian Gray, Tom Sawyer, Captain Nemo, Dr. Jekyll, and Alan Quartermaine are all members, too. Then, I further fantasize that at that same time, in the Old West in America, Will Smith and Kevin Kline are busting some heads with some amazing Gadgets, and getting a wildly-scenery-chewing Kenneth Brannagh just so he will, like, back the fuck off, and then they steal his giant, steam-powered, clockwork spider, and lumber off into the sunset with it, to potentially fight steampunk anime heroes and villians. Finally, I like to think that in the middle of all this hullabaloo, H.G. Wells is silently inventing a Time Machine . . . So he can travel to the Future, and witness — up close and first hand, with the help of Jules Verne’s space capsule — the destruction of Planet Krypton as it’s depicted in the Zack Snyder film, Man of Steel. (And that the “pet women” that Dr. Arlos Loveless—whom Will Smith and Kevin Kline are currently popping some caps into—there are six girls in a not-so-healthy mental hospital, dreaming their way to freedom from the orderly named Blue, and that one of them is the imaginary friend of the others. And last but certainly not least, I like to picture Nikolai Tesla and H.P. Lovecraft teaming up to fight monsters and ghosts . . . Which, in the future, so inspires a young Ray Stanz to create the supernatural hunting organization, Ghostbusters. Then, they broke into the Bureau For Paranormal Research and Defense one day when Hellboy wasn’t home. And that the technology they stole, went into their “proton packs” and somehow got married to the technology in Buckaroo Banzai's oscillation overthruster and became Doc Brown’s Flux Capacitor in Back to the Futures I, II, and III, and was then weaponized somehow so the Time Lords and Daleks could battle it out in the Time War . . . And so that one day, on Gallifrey, a young Time Lord decides to run away from it all and steal a TARDIS. And that this — ALL of THIS!— happens in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And why do I dream of all this? Because I really think Lord Morpheus, a.k.a., The Sandman, a.k.a., the Lord and King of all the Dreaming . . . Will, at some point, have to take out some seriously batshit crazy property-damage insurance. That’s why. ( . . . And I wonder why I don’t have a girlfriend yet. Hmmm.)

Hope Eyrie — Fly High

History, people. Being made right now.

“And the Eagle has landed.” So what if that’s historically out of context!

I just finished the first four seasons of the coolest space show since Star Trek. And no, that’s not hyperbole. It’s called “For All Mankind” and it’s on Apple TV+. An man is it ever futurist and unapologetically inspirational!!

Apple TV+'s "For All Mankind" is a visionary masterpiece that reimagines history with breathtaking creativity and emotional depth. Created by Ronald D. Moore, Matt Wolpert, and Ben Nedivi, this science fiction drama offers an alternate timeline where the global space race never ceased, propelling humanity to new heights of exploration and innovation.

From the very first episode, the series captivates viewers by presenting a profound "what if" scenario: the Soviet Union lands on the Moon before the United States. This pivotal moment sets off a chain reaction, igniting a relentless pursuit of technological advancement and space exploration between the superpowers. The show masterfully blends historical events with speculative fiction, creating a rich tapestry that feels both authentic and aspirational.

The writing in "For All Mankind" is exceptional, weaving together intricate storylines that delve into personal struggles, societal challenges, and political intrigue. Characters are meticulously crafted, exhibiting profound growth as they navigate the complexities of their evolving world. The series places a significant emphasis on diversity and inclusion, highlighting the contributions of women and minorities in the space program. This focus not only adds depth to the narrative but also resonates strongly with contemporary audiences.

Visually, the show is a triumph. The production design authentically recreates the aesthetic of the late 20th century while seamlessly integrating futuristic elements envisioned in this alternate reality. Cinematography and special effects are of cinematic quality, delivering awe-inspiring depictions of space missions and celestial landscapes. Each scene is meticulously composed, immersing viewers in the grandeur and peril of space exploration.

The performances by the ensemble cast are nothing short of outstanding. Actors such as Joel Kinnaman, Michael Dorman, and Shantel VanSanten bring nuance and intensity to their roles, embodying the hopes, fears, and determination of their characters. Their portrayals add emotional weight to the narrative, making the personal stakes as compelling as the global ones.

One of the show's greatest strengths is its exploration of thematic elements such as ambition, sacrifice, and the human spirit's resilience. "For All Mankind" doesn't shy away from depicting the challenges faced by its characters, both on Earth and in space. It examines the cost of progress and the ethical dilemmas inherent in pushing the boundaries of what's possible. These introspective moments enrich the storyline, prompting viewers to contemplate profound questions alongside the characters.

The series also excels in its attention to historical detail and scientific accuracy. While it diverges from actual history, it maintains a believable and coherent progression of events. The technical aspects of space travel are portrayed with precision, adding credibility to the show's speculative aspects. This careful balance between fact and fiction enhances the overall impact, making the alternate timeline feel plausible and engaging.

"For All Mankind" is more than just a science fiction drama; it's a thought-provoking exploration of human potential. It inspires with its depiction of what humanity could achieve through perseverance and cooperation. The series challenges viewers to consider how different choices could lead to a brighter future, emphasizing the importance of vision and unity.

In conclusion, "For All Mankind" is a must-watch series that sets a new standard for alternative history storytelling. Its compelling narrative, exceptional performances, and high production values create an immersive viewing experience that is both entertaining and enlightening. The show not only entertains but also inspires, reminding us of the limitless possibilities when humanity reaches for the stars. Apple TV+ has delivered a standout series that resonates on multiple levels, making "For All Mankind" a shining jewel in its streaming lineup.

And, For All Mankind is joined by another cool show on Apple TV+ . . . The definitive adaptation of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation!

Apple TV+'s "Foundation" is a breathtaking adaptation of Isaac Asimov's seminal science fiction series that not only honors the original material but elevates it to new cinematic heights. This ambitious undertaking transforms Asimov's complex narrative, which was long considered unfilmable, into a visually stunning and intellectually stimulating epic that captivates from the very first episode.

From the outset, "Foundation" immerses viewers in a richly detailed universe spanning thousands of years and countless light-years. The series expertly navigates the intricate plot of Asimov's work, centered around mathematician Hari Seldon's revolutionary theory of psychohistory—a method to predict and alter the future of the vast Galactic Empire. Faced with the impending collapse of civilization, Seldon assembles a group of loyal followers to preserve humanity's knowledge and shorten the coming dark age.

The cast delivers exceptional performances that breathe life into the multifaceted characters. Jared Harris embodies Hari Seldon with profound gravitas and subtle vulnerability, portraying a man burdened by the weight of his predictions. Lee Pace is mesmerizing as Brother Day, the imperious emperor grappling with the fragility of his seemingly eternal reign. Newcomer Lou Llobell shines as Gaal Dornick, whose journey of discovery and self-realization becomes the emotional core of the series. The depth and development of these characters add layers of intrigue and empathy, drawing the audience deeper into the narrative.

"Foundation" is a visual feast, boasting some of the most impressive production values seen on television. The series spares no expense in creating its expansive settings—from the opulent halls of Trantor, the Empire's capital, to the desolate frontier of Terminus. The attention to detail is meticulous, with futuristic technology and architecture that feel both imaginative and grounded. Cinematography and special effects are seamlessly integrated, enhancing the storytelling without overwhelming it. Each scene is crafted with cinematic precision, making every episode a spectacle worthy of the big screen.

While remaining faithful to the essence of Asimov's novels, "Foundation" thoughtfully expands upon the source material to resonate with contemporary audiences. The series introduces new characters and diversifies its cast, bringing fresh perspectives to the timeless themes of destiny, free will, and the cyclical nature of history. The inclusion of strong female protagonists and exploration of political and ethical dilemmas add depth and relevance to the story, prompting viewers to reflect on parallels within our own society.

At its heart, "Foundation" delves into profound questions about fate versus agency and the responsibilities that come with knowledge and power. The show navigates these themes with sophistication, avoiding simplistic answers and instead embracing the complexity of its subjects. The interplay between science, religion, and politics is particularly compelling, showcasing how beliefs and ambitions can shape the course of civilization.

The auditory experience of "Foundation" is as impressive as its visuals. Composer Bear McCreary delivers a haunting and evocative score that enhances the emotional impact and grandeur of the series. The music weaves seamlessly into the narrative, accentuating moments of tension, wonder, and introspection.

"Foundation" stands as a triumph of science fiction storytelling, successfully translating the depth and scope of Asimov's vision to the screen. It is a series that challenges the intellect while engaging the senses, offering a rich and immersive experience that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. Apple TV+ has set a new standard for genre adaptations, proving that with the right creative team and resources, even the most complex literary works can be transformed into compelling television.

Whether you are a longtime fan of the books or new to the saga, "Foundation" invites you to embark on an unforgettable journey through time and space. It is a must-watch series that promises to leave a lasting impression and sets the stage for an exciting future in serialized science fiction storytelling.

The Wizards Are Coming; the Wizards are Coming!

Can you imagine — just for a moment — if there really was a "Wizarding World," how we "Muggles" would react if we found out about it for real? How bitterly angry we would be that they hadn't shared their secrets of, oh, say, magical healing with us, through all our long years of struggling with diseases like cancer, heart disease, and AIDS? How we would feel if they revealed themselves to us, and we found out that they could, for instance, move through space and time faster than the speed of light, and could turn back time (the Time Turner), and could live forever (the Sorcerer's Stone), and could recall loved ones from the dead for a chit-chat (the Resurrection Stone), but had never bothered to share those secrets with us, their neighbors, their friends, some of us their relatives?

How fantastically jealous we would be that they hadn't put their billions in Galleons into our struggling national and international economies? How fearful we would be of their ability to place Taboos on our everyday words, fling killing curses at us with their wands with a word — and take them past metal detectors because they’re made of wood — or Apparate into the Pentagon, Imperious the President or a Senator or two, or Stupefy our soldiers, or concoct a potion that enabled them to impersonate any of us, by simply and literally becoming us for a time? That they had access to creatures and monsters that could easily, if they got loose, cause a reign of terror and bloodshed within any given Muggle neighborhood? That they could cause explosions just by waving a wand? That they could re-animate the dead? That they could transfigure people, animals, and objects into other people, animals, and objects, and, once again, had never shared their powers with us — and that they did not want to share their powers with us. And what a crisis of faith it would be for our religious leaders — and what a strange invitation to our more adventurous psychopaths — when it was discovered that one could, in point of objective, observable fact, split one's soul into pieces? Or that there was objective, observable, quantifiable proof that the soul itself actually existed? Or that by using Legilimancy, they could open our minds and read our deepest thoughts, just by pointing their wands at us?

And, let me repeat this once more: That they had never once, in a thousand years or more, thought to share their knowledge, their power, their gifts with a struggling, starving, sick, poverty-stricken, and war-torn Muggle world. That they had been so selfish with their power as to conceal it from even the pages of history itself. That they had been so greedy with their power as to even occlude it from the minds of history’s greatest thinkers, messiahs, philosophers, prophets, and scientists. That they had abandoned us, time and again, in our most desperate hours of need, and had kept all to themselves the mysteries — and answers, and solutions to problems — provided by the powerful gift that was Magic. That they had never once conceded to help us, to be there for us, to lend us a helping hand, to reach out their wands and save us from tyranny, disease, famine, disaster, brutality, death, grief, torture, calamity, or extinction. Or even from ourselves. Not once did they act, not once did they reach out their wands to spare us any of the harm that history might have visited upon us. And yet here they stand, revealed to us now, and revealed is the fact that they have been there all along.

Can you imagine, just for a moment, how the Muggle world would perceive any one of these things — not to mention how it might see the "purebloods" and their metahuman version of species-wide racism! — and how it would react to any one of them, let alone all of them? All at once? All of them, revealed all at the same time, in one fell swoop to the world, when the walls between the Muggle World and the Wizarding World came crashing down one day, and the Wizards and Witches were revealed for who and what they really were —engineers of reality itself! Living gods, made flesh and blood, walking our streets, living amongst us. The panic would be uncontainable. There would be chaos everywhere.

What would the world be like when the dust finally settled? I would like to see a story where this happens. And yeah I know, "Mage: The Ascension" is a thing, but I'm talking about an actual novel-length piece of fiction set in a pre-established universe where previously, everything fit together neatly at the seams, and where we only saw things from the Wizarding perspective.

Remember....

Whenever you think of the world as an evil place filled with nothing but evil people, just imagine that somewhere, there’s a little girl reading a book about a gang of misfit kids who go miraculous adventures, discover the meaning of life, and learn how to master themselves. Then realize this: She’s starting to make plans.

MY NEW BABY IS HOME!

Well, she actually came home with me a month ago, but, I’m still babying her. She has a beautiful, black polished steel frame, so many cooling fans you could cook a steak on them, a 24-core Threadripper Processor, a TRX40 Designare Motherboard, and two — COUNT ‘EM, DARN YA! — beautiful RTX3090 graphics cards hooked together with NVLink. It also has 256GB of RAM, an 8-TB SATA SSD drive, and a 10TB Toshiba (spinning) hard-drive. As to what it’s connected To, well, I got a top of the line surge protector; and I’ve got a TASCAM 16x08 audio interface plugged into it. Network WiFi COLOR laser printer. And right now, I’ve also got hooked up: My Traktor DJ software control station, with turn tables and everything . . . My Native-Instruments “Maschine 2 Mk3” drum and dance controller; a Korg 13 Arranger workstation; a Nektar MIDI controller with 88 (piano-weighted!) keys, and, soon, I might be — might be, maybe — adding a Yamaha PSRSX900 Digital Arranger Workstation. In terms of software, she sports Windows 11, Object Desktop (to make MS Windows tolerable to interact with!), Adobe Creative Cloud, Adobe Substance Cloud, Cinema 4D 2023.1, Blender, iClone 8 and Character Creator 4, and a few other 3D and 2D animation packages. In terms of musical software, she sports Cubase 12, Finale 27.9, Sibelius 2023.1 (for now), and the IK Multimedia TOTAL STUDIO MAX 3 bundle of tools. Also, Superior Drummer with six expansion packs, EZ Keys, EZBass, and the Hexachords Producer Suite, the Vienna Suite Pro, “Composer’s Cloud” and OPUS to use its many sounds with, and finally, Waves Mercury. That’s right — the Big Kahuna of Waves plugin bundles, with over 400 high-quality plugins available for it! And last but not least, she has the Steve Slate Audio Bundle in her. For her speakers, I chose a pair of IROK Studio Monitors. For input, well, there’s the keyboard, about five different mice (because I like a variety of control “feels.”) And oh yeah — she has a Steve Slate Raven M-2 touchscreen digital mixer and a Wacom Cintiq drawing monitor/tablet. I think I came out smelling like quite a rose with this deal. I only wish that everyone had access to this kind of creative powerhouse tool . . . Then the world might be full of less scary school shootings, and instead of those, some pretty twisted, personally-expressive artworks. And I don’t think the artwork is gonna hurt anybody, unless it’s the cover of Pink Floyd: The Wall and you’re dropping acid. Which you should not do anyway. Remember what Arthur C. Clarke (the famous sci-fi writer, creator of both 2001 and 2010, as well as the designer of the first communications satellite, once said to everyone: “Drugs don’t heighten creativity; they simply dull the voice of your inner critic telling you to do better.”)

Dracula

Somewhere.... We're Still Winning.

Y'know what I was thinking yesterday? It doesn't matter if the Dems or the Dorks -- I mean Republicans! -- win. Why? Because somebody else already won. The nerds won. Finally, after a long and bitter struggle with the casts of Animal House and Porky's II, the nerds won. We built the Internet. We built the web on top of it. We designed it. It is our brainchild. We also put men on the moon. We invented the steam engine, the dynamo, and the capacitor and transistor. We invented ENIAC and Apple and the Homebrew Computer Club... we invented microwaves, and Disco, and techno, and the tube amplifier so many guitarists have used; we invented the drum machines that "gangstas" record their raps with. Hell, we gave birth to FIVE new "Ages" in just 150 years. That's 30 years per revolution, and we won every time. So before you -- liberal or conservative -- claim victory . . . think that the voting machine the liberal or conservative just used to vote for "you" and then drove their hybrid car home to their electrically-wired apartment. (Tesla was insanely liberal, and remember, his AC power won out, in the end.) And then think about the fact that somewhere, a young girl is committing her first hack. And loving it.

Bat Out Of Hell, The Musical - A Steingasmic Operatic Experience

I recently procured the soundtrack to a musical I didn't know existed, but was incredibly awed once I found out that it did: Jim Steinman's "Bat Out Of Hell: The Musical." This. Is. The. Coolest. Thing. On. Earth. Well, okay, maybe not the coolest thing — there's still Orange Julius and Mongolian Grill, and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series, and the macOS operating system — but you get the idea, right? It would appear that good ol' rock composer Jim Steinman finally achieved his lifelong dream of creating a Peter-Pan-like, dystopian, sci-fi romance for the stage — and a musical, at that — featuring a number of his epic, Wagnerian rock-operatic songs, almost all of which have been taken from his past oeuvre of work with Meat Loaf. When I found out this was really a thing, I was ecstatic. (See elsewhere on this website for my fanboyish obsession with Steinman and his work.) I was like, "Holy shit! He actually did it!" So, without further ado, a quick review of the two-disc soundtrack album, recorded by the original cast:

The album is very slickly produced. The sound is very open and clear, with every instrument very clear within the mix; the guitars are lightly used, but when they do show up in the arrangements, they are really effective. They add a great rock 'n roll edge to the arrangements, and are really loud in some of the songs (such as the version of "Bat Out Of Hell" that appears here). So, that's good. The "solo" guitars are a little thin, though; they could've used some beefing up, I think. But then again, this is for a theatre audience, not a rock concert audience, so I can sort of understand the guitars not being balls-out loud and distorted. The orchestra sounds great and very full, with the brass and string ensembles both getting a good workout here and there, especially the strings in some songs. The choir that accompanies some of the arrangements is in full voice as the backup singers for many of the songs, and they sound gorgeous. The mix is exceptionally good; like I said, every instrument and part seems clear and separate, and very "visible" in the mix. Nothing is muddy and there is no clipping or overbearing loudness, and you don't have to turn the speakers up to hear any instruments, as everything is evenly spaced in the mix. That's some good engineering, right there. Finally, the vocals sound sensational, and that's good, especially because there's a large cast involved, and sometimes they sing together, and one on top of the other, or several all on top of one another . . . but again, nothing ever gets muddy or muddled in the mix; the voices remain distinct and listenable at all times, and high notes and long, sustained legato notes don't feel like they're firing your speakers up. And the bass . . . good god, there's a lot of great bass in the soundtrack, and it plays and resounds smoothly, even on crappy speakers. I feel like this thing was produced by freaking Alan Parsons, but it wasn't; it was produced by a tag-team of Steven Rinkoff, Michael Reed, and Jim Steinman himself. Say what you will about his songwriting, but Steinman knows how to twiddle knobs and adjust faders. He's a dynamite producer.

And that brings me to Steinman’s songs themselves. They are wonderfully used here! I love these songs so much — I grew up loving them, and still love them to this day, and will always love them. And finally, I feel like I understand them so much better. This is how these songs were meant to be heard. This is their proper context: Sci-fi. The story of Peter Pan in a post-apocalyptic future. A tale of teenage angst and rebellion and hormones gone haywire. That’s what Steinman’s music has always been about, and here it finds its final, appropriately vital niche. Listening to Strat sing Bat Out Of Hell is a revelation; not because the kid’s voice is better than Meat Loaf’s (hey, no one can be Meat but Meat), but because the song feels so right here, shared in this moment between Strat and Raven. Same goes with Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through, For Crying Out Loud, and the other numbers in this musical. They all just fit perfectly, so perfectly. It’s All Coming Back To Me Now is utilizes to heartbreaking effect; and Paradise By The Dashboard Light was never funnier or more poignantly put to good use. I’d Do Anything For Love is the closing number, and boy is it amazingly sung by the entire cast; I used to swear by the Meat Loaf version of this song—aside from a killer metal cover by the band Xandria—but man, I don’t know anymore . . . the cast just kills it, and they kill it with fire, my friends! And I mean that in a good way, of course. There are some Steinman songs that I wish were here. Going All The Way Is Just A Start (A Song In 6 Movements) didn’t make it. I wish it had. But then again, its proper home is Tanz der Vampire, as Braver Than We Are, I suppose.

I do have some minor quibbles, here. The songs are not as “long” as the songs on the albums they are taken from; they are much shorter than their full-length counterparts in some cases. And sometimes this is good (as in the case of For Crying Out Loud), sometimes it is bad (for instance, Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through; and I miss the gorgeous bridge section in Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere). Oh well. Can’t have everything, I guess.) I realize this was probably a concession to the length of time available on ordinary CDs, and to the length of time that an audience can realistically be expected to sit still in the theater . . . . but, still. These are fantastic songs. These are hymns and paens to teenage abandon and they are wild-youth anthems; they are Steinman’s “erections of the heart.” They deserve to be heard in all their glory. I wish Jim had seen fit to compose a second, longer version of the musical that featured the songs in their full-length incarnations, but still sung by the cast of the show. Now that would’ve been something to behold! It would’ve taken 4 CDs to hold it, but . . .

The young cast's performances are likewise stellar. And "young" is good. I emphasize the word "young" because really, Meat Loaf is 72, and Steinman himself is 71. They’re still fantastic musicians, but, I think it's time to pass the torches, guys, in the name of keeping the flames burning. And this amazing young cast are the perfect new vehicles for Steinman's grandiose, Wagnerian rock stylings and his beautifully deranged, bombastic romanticism. I say let them run with it! Andrew Polec, the kid who plays "Strat" — the main protagonist of the musical, Steinman's Peter Pan stand-in — has an incredible voice, and he's very much what I think a younger Jim Steinman might've sounded like in a parallel universe. And the girl who plays "Raven" — Christina Bennington—the leading lady, Strat's love-interest — has a great set of lungs and vocal cords on her as well; she can really pack a punch when she belts out Steinman's soulful operatic tunes, and I'd love to see her launch a solo career singing his works. The supporting cast is fantastic, too. They all do such a good job, I could list every one of them, compliment every one of them, use a hundred adjectives, and still not say enough superlative things about them.

If Bat Out Of Hell: The Musical is a visitation of Steinman’s past as a composer and lyricist—and duh, of course it is—then it's visitation that's damn well worth the trip down memory lane. For both him, and for us. It's a colossal, epic orgy of "Steinmania," and it's terrific, over-the-top, gothic, and fantastic in every way that there is. This is, after all, how Steinman always wanted these songs to be performed: In an actual theater, on a stage, with impressive set-pieces, by an entire cast of performers dressed in wild costumes, with an orchestra and a rock band together in the pit, complete with savage dance routines and epic monologues, and with whiz-bang special effects, lighting effects, and giant video screens to boot. The show is light on plot and story, but that's okay; if you're going to see Bat Out Of Hell: The Musical for it's story, you're in the wrong theater, folks. The book is by Steinman, and his dialogue skills are excellent, as evidenced by the snippets of dialogue you get to hear between some of the songs . . . because oh yeah — unlike some of Lloyd Webber's soundtracks, this one doesn't include any dialogue from the show (or at least, not much of it). It's just the songs.

All in all, I'd say this is a great two-disc album to own. Especially if you're a Steinman and/or Meat Loaf fan. The songs are fantastic, the performances are great, and the quality of the mix and the recording itself are terrific. The arrangements are a little wimpy in places, so if you're looking for all of the songs to stay true to their hard rock roots, well, sorry. Your mileage may vary with this concept though. Me, I kinda liked it, kinda didn't. I miss the gargantuan excess of the longer, more elaborate versions of the songs from the original albums, but at the same time, these smaller, more scaled-down versions can be a breath of fresh air, especially since they also tend to have sparser, less full-bodied arrangements. Most of the time, they work. Sometimes, though, they leave you pining for their longer, album-cut cousins, as is the case with the version of "Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through" that appears here. It's way too short, in my opinion, and deserved a place of greater prominence in the show. I also miss the gorgeous bridge section of “Good Girls Go To Heaven” and the awesome guitar work on “Out Of The Frying Pan (And Into The Fire).” Not to mention all the histrionic choirs and mad cellos and wailing guitars from “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Wont’ Do That).”

Bottom line: If you're a Steinman and Meat Loaf fan, this is an album you can't afford to miss out on. Go buy it today, right now. You can thank me later, if you can get the songs unstuck from from your head!

"Jim Steinman's Bat Out of Hell: The Musical" debuted in London’s West End in 2017, bringing to life the long-awaited realization of a project Steinman had been nursing for over 40 years. What began as a dream to stage a rock musical in the early 1970s evolved into a trilogy of iconic albums with Meat Loaf, culminating in this theatrical production. The musical is a tour de force of theatrical rock, encapsulating Steinman’s grandiose vision of rebellion, love, lust, and apocalypse. It’s a production where music and drama intertwine in ways that only Steinman could conjure, pushing the boundaries of what a rock opera can be while reflecting his unique style of storytelling through song.

Steinman’s relationship with Bat Out of Hell has always been one of ambition and delayed gratification. In the early 1970s, he initially conceived the story as a futuristic, dystopian reimagining of Peter Pan, entitled Neverland. At that time, Steinman’s vision of a rock musical featuring adolescent rebellion, motorbikes, and larger-than-life emotions was considered too ambitious, if not downright unfeasible, for Broadway or the London stage. However, fate brought him together with Meat Loaf, and Bat Out of Hell found life as an album instead.

The 1977 record was a towering success, but Steinman never lost his desire to see the songs performed as they were originally intended—in a full-scale, theatrical setting. He revisited the idea multiple times over the years, weaving elements from his Neverland project into his various works, but it wasn’t until 2017 that the full rock opera took form. Directed by Jay Scheib, Bat Out of Hell: The Musical premiered at the Manchester Opera House before transferring to the West End’s Dominion Theatre in London. This stage production finally allowed Steinman’s monumental vision to be realized in a physical, immersive space.

The musical itself is a brilliant fusion of classic rock and operatic elements, an amalgamation of Steinman’s signature musical techniques that elevate every moment into a grand emotional landscape. The music of Bat Out of Hell: The Musical draws heavily from the original 1977 album, as well as songs from Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell (1993) and Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster Is Loose (2006). Steinman’s music is characterized by its maximalism—epic, sweeping ballads interspersed with bombastic, hard-hitting rock anthems that simultaneously evoke both grandeur and raw, youthful passion.

The musicology of Bat Out of Hell lies in its deep commitment to the traditions of rock while drawing on classical forms and motifs. Steinman’s compositions often feature multiple key changes, extended chord progressions, and dynamic shifts that make the songs feel larger than life. His ability to blend these elements with theatrical storytelling is perhaps his greatest gift. Songs like “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” or “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” have the feel of a Shakespearean love story set against the backdrop of a rock concert. Harmonically, Steinman often incorporates both major and minor tonalities within single songs, giving them a feeling of both triumph and tragedy, a characteristic that adds emotional complexity to the musical's narrative.

One of Steinman’s most distinctive musical traits is his use of leitmotifs, recurring musical themes that represent characters or ideas. These are often delivered in repeated phrases or harmonic progressions, a technique borrowed from opera. The repetition of these motifs deepens the sense of cohesion between the various storylines and enhances the larger-than-life scope of the production. Steinman’s frequent use of dramatic pauses and vocal crescendos also builds emotional tension, turning every performance into a theatrical spectacle. Visually, Bat Out of Hell: The Musical is as bold and unrestrained as the music it’s built around. Scheib’s direction, along with Jon Bausor’s striking set design, creates a dystopian, post-apocalyptic landscape that perfectly complements Steinman’s thematic focus on rebellion, eternal youth, and doomed romance. The world of Bat Out of Hell is a city trapped in a timeless state of teenage rebellion, where motorbikes and rock music are intertwined with love, danger, and death.

The set itself is an expansive, multi-level structure representing the towering metropolis of Obsidian. It blends industrial decay with a rock-and-roll aesthetic, featuring graffiti-strewn walls, neon lights, and metallic platforms. The innovative use of video projections adds an additional layer of immersion, allowing the stage to shift seamlessly between intimate moments and sweeping, high-octane sequences. The motorbike chase scenes, for example, are staged with such dynamic choreography and projection effects that they feel kinetic and adrenaline-fueled, despite being confined to a stage.

Lighting plays a critical role in the production, amplifying the emotions and energy of the music. The light design mirrors the rapid shifts in mood, bathing the stage in blood-red hues during the more dangerous, lustful moments and soft blues during moments of vulnerability and longing. The contrast of light and dark visually represents the thematic dichotomy running throughout the musical—life versus death, love versus lust, youth versus time.

The cast of Bat Out of Hell: The Musical was tasked with living up to the larger-than-life music and narrative, and they delivered performances that were nothing short of electrifying. Andrew Polec, who originated the role of Strat, the show’s central character and leader of The Lost (a group of rebellious, immortal teenagers), was an embodiment of raw energy. His portrayal combined rock-star swagger with emotional depth, capturing both the youthful defiance and vulnerability that Steinman’s music demands. His voice, capable of both tenderness and high-octane power, fit the score perfectly. Polec’s rendition of songs like “Bat Out of Hell” and “For Crying Out Loud” channeled both Meat Loaf’s original performances and added new emotional textures, particularly in the context of the show’s narrative.

Christina Bennington, playing Raven, the daughter of the despotic ruler Falco, brought a mix of innocence and rebellion to her role. Her vocals were as impressive as her acting, with performances in numbers like “Heaven Can Wait” and “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” showcasing both her range and emotional nuance. The chemistry between Polec and Bennington anchored the show’s central love story, giving the audience something emotionally grounding amidst the bombast and spectacle.

Rob Fowler and Sharon Sexton, as Falco and Sloane, Raven’s parents, provided both comic relief and genuine pathos. Their duet on “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” was one of the show’s highlights, blending humor with the underlying tragedy of a relationship in decline. Fowler’s portrayal of Falco captured both the character’s ruthlessness and his moments of self-reflection, while Sexton’s Sloane was both tender and fierce, particularly in her rendition of “What Part of My Body Hurts the Most.”

Critically, Bat Out of Hell: The Musical was met with a range of responses. Many praised the production’s sheer audacity and its commitment to Steinman’s maximalist vision. The Guardian described the show as “a piece of grandiose, operatic rock and roll theater that you can't help but love,” while others acknowledged the overwhelming scale and energy that sometimes verged on the excessive. For fans of Steinman’s music, however, the spectacle was part of the appeal.

One recurring theme in the critical response was the show’s unapologetic embrace of emotional intensity. Unlike many modern musicals that favor minimalism or irony, Bat Out of Hell is bombastic in every sense. It celebrates excess, from the vocal performances to the set design, and it taps into a kind of primal emotional energy that some critics found thrilling, while others found exhausting.

For audiences, however, the show was an overwhelming success. The devotion of Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman fans ensured packed houses, and the production quickly developed a fervent following. Many saw the show multiple times, reveling in the opportunity to experience Steinman’s music in its intended theatrical form. The combination of nostalgia for the original albums and the fresh staging of these beloved songs created a kind of communal experience, where audiences could lose themselves in the soaring choruses and emotional catharsis.

Bat Out of Hell: The Musical stands as a fitting tribute to Jim Steinman’s career, encapsulating everything that made his music so enduring and unique. The rock opera format, with its blend of drama, music, and visual spectacle, was always where Steinman’s heart lay, and this production allowed his work to come full circle. It took decades to bring to the stage, but the result was a thrilling, larger-than-life experience that honored both Steinman’s visionary creativity and his lifelong partnership with Meat Loaf.

Musically, the show offers a masterclass in how rock can be elevated to the level of operatic theater, utilizing every tool at its disposal to create emotional impact. The songs are timeless, but their context within the narrative of Bat Out of Hell: The Musical gave them new life. Vocally, the performances were exceptional, particularly in balancing the sheer power required for the music with the emotional subtlety needed for the characters.

Visually, the production was a spectacle that matched the scope of Steinman’s vision, pushing the boundaries of what rock theater can achieve. The dynamic set design, video projections, and lighting effects created a world where rock music and dystopian storytelling could flourish. For audiences, it was a chance to be immersed in the chaotic, emotional, and ultimately triumphant world of Bat Out of Hell, a world that Steinman and Meat Loaf had been building for decades.

Ultimately, Bat Out of Hell: The Musical was not just a stage show but a celebration of Steinman’s larger-than-life ethos—a rock and roll dream that finally became reality.

Recent Renders

Hell Is For System Builders

Have you ever noticed that (most) people, when assembling some piece of technology, and confronted with a piece that stubbornly refuses to allow itself to be inserted, or that doesn’t work quite the way it should . . .

That be they man or woman, they automatically enter “Alpha Male Bear-Wrasslin’ Mode,” and that suddenly, even though we might be the most erudite of ladies or gentlemen otherwise, every other word out of our mouths from that point on, as we work on the project, becomes some variation on “cocksucker!”, “son of a bitch!” “piece of shit!”, “goddamn it, go in there!,” "or “you little bastard!”, and the ever popular “motherfucker, I’ll show you who’s boss!”

And then when the piece of technology finally relents in the struggle, and does what it’s supposed to do (after about nine million attempts, during which the person assembling the machine has come close to three aneurisms, two heart attacks, and has probably cut their hand open on something), they just have to — loudly — proclaim their victory (“Yeah! Whose house is this! Whose house, you little bitch-ass!”) and showboat around a bit (i.e., dance around in their underwear, maybe) to celebrate their “win” over “that son of a bitching thing!”

It’s not just me who notices this (or, okay, I admit it — actually does this). I’ve seen both women and men reduced to stark raving lunatics during the “assembly” phase of putting together a new custom computer rig from nothing but parts. The more expensive and complex the rig, the more cussing and threats on the machine’s life you’re bound to hear if you’re close by one of us as we work.. Trust me.

If you’ve never done it — putting together a computer out of nothing but parts purchased from Amazon is far, far more frustrating, messy, and bad for your mental health than even that goddamn office furniture they sell at Walmart and Office Depot, and that we, in our arrogance (and perhaps wanting to save a hundred bucks or so) think we don’t need professionally assembled. “Heh, naw, I can do it,” we say to the clerk, who then proceeds to inwardly laugh his ass off at the ordeal he knows we’re going to put ourselves through.

I thought I knew a lot about doing this. Hell, back in “the day,” I assembled systems left and right. I built 3 of the 5 PC computers that I owned before my I got my first Mac, and helped several friends on their builds; I got my A+ and Net+ Computer Repair Certifications way back in 2003, I used to sell computers and upgrades — and perform them — at CompUSA, Radio Shack, Walmart, and at H.H. Gregg. And at NTR.NET, I was the man to call if you needed some custom Dynamic HTML and JavaScript written. I’ve got about 24 credit hours at Indiana University in the Computer Science department; not the “Information Systems” department . . . The actual goddamn Computer Sciences department — in other words, Im trained in the really hard, conceptual and theoretical shit that you need Calculus to chew through. I’ve had 25 years experience working with everything from 8086 processors and MS-DOS 4.0, to Windows 10 (this year’s update) and macOS 10.15.2, Cataliana. I’ve taken apart and fused back together and cannibalized and hacked together systems since I was a tween.

But THIS SYSTEM. Jesus H. Christ driving a shit-truck, this thing is a MAJOR pain in the ass!

First thing, fresh outta the gate, the initial motherboard was no good, so we had to send it back for a refund. Then while the new one is on its way, I discover that the RAM I ordered, despite the Amazon description saying otherwise, isn’t the right spec to run on the replacement motherboard. Fuck! So we sent that back and ordered new RAM for a pretty penny more. Got the new motherboard. Then got the case. Discovered the case is too small to support all my equipment. So, sigh, we ordered. a new case. New case gets here and it looks big enough. Notice I said looks. It’s got a locking glass door that’s locked. And the fuckers — the FUCKERS — forgot to give us the keys that open it. It turns out this was a manufacturing and shipping snafu. Finally pried the case open by gently picking (and kinda ruining, but oh well) the locking mechanism. Then began to build. Annnnnnd it’s too small. Too shit-fuck, goddamn, motherfucking, cocksucking small. Not enough room for the radiators. I’m at my wits end. So we order a THIRD case. But while it’s on its way, I have an epiphany: Use the back of the motherboard’s backplane to mount the 3.5” hard-drives; that’s what it’s there for, you moron! So I tried that. Went to mount everything and . . . . .

Bent pins on one of the main motherboard interface headers. Well, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck-fuck. So, hello, Amazon? Yeah its your favorite idiot. I need a new motherboard. No this one isn’t defective; the guy assembling it is certainly defective as fuck, but other than having bent the pins—and even broken one off while trying to straighten it; oops!—the motherboard was good to go. Until Captain Dumbass (that’d be me) fucked it all up. So. New motherboard arrives tomorrow, maybe; or Saturday. Who the fuck knows. I obviously do not know dick anymore about properly assembling computers or planning a build. If I did, none of these snafus would have happened.

But, anyway. We’ll see what happens when the new motherboard gets here, and the new case. I might turn out to like it more than the current one, and just chuck the current one into the supply-parts closet. Who knows. I kinda feel like Dr. Frankenstein with this thing. Not Victor Frankenstein. Either — Fredrick Frankenstein . . . And it’s pronounced “Frahnk-en-STEEN.”, thank you very much. (But I do not say “Eye-gore” or “Froe-drick.”)

Dammit, I am determined now. I WILL make this thing LIVE. I WILL bring it to life, despite being cold-cocked a few times in the first few rounds of this titanic struggle between me and the gods of fate and luck. I say to those gods now what I said to the USB 3.0 motherboard cable last night: “Motherfucker, I’ll fix your ass!”